On the Edge

(Note: This is an original idea. I realize that it has been over a month since I have written anything on here. Between work and other activities out with my friends, plus being extremely tired most days, I lost interest in writing anything. It seemed like one more task that I needed to do on an already exhausting day. Plus, whatever I was writing at the time, I just lost interest in it. For some reason, I came up with the premise and the back story to the characters, but couldn't continue on with it.)



This is it. There's no turning back.

I exhaled as I walked closer and closer to the ledge. This one final act of mine will certainly stand out. Everyone will notice me. Everyone will remember me.

I've felt, for a long time now, that I was just another pawn in the life of those around me. They can push me forward, in what I hope to be a way to improve myself. But in the end, I just end up as the bait for bigger moves, looking foolish in the process.

Claire was the first one. All the time that we spent together... All the dinners we had gone to; movies we had gone to see; the great times we shared... all gone. To think, my best friend being the root of all evil in this relationship, the very reason she had to let me go, is without a doubt one of the worst feelings in the world. I had confided in him. Why did he betray me like that? Personal gain? All he gained was what I see now as a manipulative bitch who will go through anyone to get to the one she cares about.

Next came my co-workers. Always leaving me out of the loop on gatherings and get-togethers. Do I embarrass them that much? Not once has anyone seemed as if I was as uncomfortable to be around with as much as the next person. Yeah, we all had our quirks, but it wasn't anything that anyone could look past, I'm sure. Besides, that's when I am at the top of my game! Everyone got a kick out of me! I even considered some of them as being my "friends" even though I never did tell them everything. They may have found out a couple things, but that doesn't mean that it is all true. The over-heard phone calls weren't what they thought they were... at least that's how I feel about it.

My family. How could they not be at my side in all of this? I've had such a difficult life, between work problems, women problems, and other personal problems, that it's hard for me to see someone just letting their loved ones just go like that. Could they not see that I was battling these things... battling the inner demons that stabbed and ripped at my body and soul? I've done everything I can to re-energize my life again, but the relapses seemed to take hold of everything.

I was lost.

And no one was there to guide me.

What more do I have to live for? Where do I go?

Since everything is heading down the drain, I guess that's where I deserve to go as well.

Goodbye.

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Suggested by: James Monastra (visit his blog at printedvisuals.blogspot.com)


Status Update: So glad I get to relax today! Working hard lately. Not much time for myself, so I'm spending today along in my bed doing whatever I want!

This is the update I put on my profile recently after having spent the past few days working tirelessly into the night. It doesn't bother me much. It;s the busy season, so it comes as no surprise. As long as the paychecks are good, I have no complaints.

So I go through with my plans for the day: sit on the computer for a bit, catch up on some television shows I missed due to work, and finish a bit more of a book that I've been trying to get through. After a while, I decide to see what some of my friends are up to online.

As I log on to the computer, I see the notification icon lit up. Someone must have comment on my last post. I click the icon and see that one of my friends comment on the status update I had left. I go to it, and instantly become upset. It reads:

You would stay in bed all day, you lazy fag. How many guys you have with you this time?? lol lol

 I was confused. I know my "friend" likes to joke around a lot, but sometimes his jokes go a little too far. This one, though, whether joke or not, really struck a chord. I don't know why, but it really left an impression on me. I may act a little eccentric sometimes, but it's all in good fun. Believe me, I'm not gay in the slightest, but I do have some good friends that are and we've all had some great times together. Never anything like that, mind you. I understand and appreciate why the do and like what they do, just as I understand and appreciate why anyone does and likes anything they do. It's doesn't bother me in the slightest.

I've heard my friend throw that work around a lot. Usually it isn't directed towards anyone in particular, but he does use it quite often. Thinking back, I realized that every time he has used that word, I feel a slight pang in my guy and get really agitated, like I want to punch the one that said it.

I've held myself back up until now, but I can no longer hold it in. What is wrong with being gay? Why do we as a nation find it so taboo? I know we are moving in the right direction as of late, but that still isn't going to change the fact that people are afraid of it. Why are we so afraid of moving away from the "norm," that any difference from our beliefs and likes that are shown in this world warrants such abusive and aggressive behavior? It's not going to solve anything by being so ignorant and forcing what you think the world should be like. It's only going to make you look more like an ass to anyone who thinks differently of you.

And why do you even care in the first place? It has no direct effect on your life, so why let it get to you? If you feel so strongly in the negative about it, then believe me, most anyone else, including myself, are better off without your company. Your negative energy need not weigh down on my being. You can go and be the arrogant, and self-righteous jerk that you are and leave the rest of to live how we intend to live... but our own means.