Take it easy on me with this one... it's been a bit since I've written anything other than scolding text messages or letters to my one friend from high school that still enjoys occasionally writing things out in long-form.
I realize that it's been almost three years since I've visited this page, or even put a post up on here. Sometimes the things that you think that you are most interested in doing end up taking a back seat to something more important, or at least more time consuming. That's kind of where this thing was left off at. I was in the middle of my tenure as Lead Video Tech at Hughies and working almost 70 hours a week, every week, and not having the energy to want to do anything except rest and go back to work. I was sucked in... I couldn't get past that hurdle no matter what I tried; drinking, hanging out in Akron every weekend and drinking, or going out to some not so great places for my wallet and, well, drinking. It was my getaway, my drug, and it was debilitating. I'm by no means an alcoholic, but for whatever reason, I could go out and drink whether on my own or with a couple friends and be completely fine with everything for just that little while. It was totally unhealthy, and I'd like to think that I've gotten past that part of my life...sort of.
Let's take a step back for a moment. After five years of being at Hughies, I finally took the leap of faith and quit that God-forsaken job. Even though I learned a ton about something that I am really interested in, it was not a healthy situation to be in. Besides the ridiculous overtime hours and rampant drunkenness that was my life in those five years, I let a lot slip through my hands. Friendships dissolved, I was an outright prick to those who didn't really deserve it, and I made myself as unhappy as anyone could ever do to themselves this side of suicide. Funny enough, all three of these things mesh together and form the problem child that is my inner-self. Add in the drinking and deep, deep depression of Hughies, and it's a wonder I still managed to make it through that part of my life.
I'm not trying to be all dramatic or anything, it's just how I perceived things and how I still perceive that part of my life. My family was always there (and always will be there), but I needed more from those around me. A lot of the time, though, I wanted to be alone, just because of the amount of stress I had on me with this job. Drinking only helped so much (not really at all, to be honest), and I had a couple friends that could take me away from everything for a little while, but the realization of what was to be come Monday always came crashing back before I could get a hold of myself. I could have made more time for friends and tried to see what they could have done to help, for sure, but a schedule like I was running for the longest time was not a great thing to have to have a social life like the one I was hoping to have. That and excuses of exhaustion and sitting alone in my room certainly didn't help the cause.
What I wanted to have was just one person to be there for me, that one person that I could have, and hold, and keep to myself and would want to be there for me and leave what they had going on with their lives behind and I would do for them as well and just live with that one person. That's what I really wanted. I didn't have that. It was mostly my fault for that which has been said before ("exhaustion," schedule, alone, etc.), but I still felt that I could have someone now and my life would be totally different than where I am now. Believe me, I love living in Chicago, now having rid myself of the Cleveland Beast that I call my old life; that black hole of an existence that threw it's weight around and kept me from enjoying what little life we actually have in this world. Chicago has become my savior, my fresh start that I had always been looking for, and the inspiration for deciding to finally come back and write again.
Having moved here only a few months ago, I have found out who I really am. Depression lifted; the dread of another day at work gone; meeting a new group of people and a new city to cleanse myself of anything negative; everyone being so open and honest about everything. That last one is what really set me off on this tear... openness and honesty. I decided that now would be the best time to get some things off my chest and tell people how I really feel; to help find that person who I can have, and hold, and love, and everything else that I wished I could have that I, quite frankly, had been holding myself back from having. There wasn't anything out there stopping me from finding someone to have... it was all me. The way I acted, how I pretended not to care, how I ignored and claimed ignorance to... there was no one to blame but myself. I wanted so much for someone or something else to take that blame that I couldn't bring myself to admit it until now. It's a terrible realization, but a necessary one to get past those self-set barriers of the Cleveland Beast.
I told myself for years that I wouldn't try to be with anyone, that I was going to be moving soon and that it wouldn't be fair to either person to not have more time together. I was an idiot. I purposely held back feelings and admitting those feelings for people until it bit me in the ass and I was left this sad shell of a man (I mean boy, because let's be honest, no man would act as I had these past 5 years). I blamed my faults on psychology; the girls that had "undone" me from caring about finding someone (people like the stalker, the uncommitted, and most importantly, the one that I deeply cared about and was moving to the other side of the country because they had a job and the contacts and the bravery to move there and was just leaving me behind, throwing me under the rub like they didn't care... I don't have a shorter name for her, just know that none of it really matters in the end here).
The last one was the most important person to come in my life in recent memory. I truly cared about them. I wanted to put them up on a pedestal and worship them, regardless of how many times we argued or made each other completely crazy over the most trivial things. We never meant any of it, and we always made up in the end. My biggest fault with them (even though we were never really "officially" dating [even though we basically were even if neither of us said we were and, the biggest reason for that, because I couldn't come up with a good reason for us to make it official because I was young and stupid and didn't know better]), is that I never said that I loved them until they asked while lying in a hospital bed why I didn't love them (and yes, that seriously happened). Of course I said it then, but the weight of it was never felt because of how and when I said it. It should have happened much sooner than that (and if past me happens to be reading this, go tell her and stop being the little bitch that you are!). That's what the Hazards of Love are in my mind... your actions, you ill-timed words, and your own possible self-destruction. Any one of those could be your potential downfall. You need to be able to navigate through the waves of your own discomfort and give everything you can to make it something special. Of course, I didn't do that. I got angry for them leaving. I got jealous because they were going to that magical land that literally everyone in college dreamt of heading off to. I did everything I could to ruin that friendship I had with them because of it and tried to convince myself that it was their fault because I was left in Cleveland with the Beast and no longer had them to look forward to being with...
How stupid and ignorant I was. I know I said some things that I shouldn't have (what those things are, I have no idea and never wish to know what they were), and I deeply regret it all. I was an asshole. Plain and simple. I can't even make the argument that there was a 50/50 split on fault because there wasn't. I ruined that friendship on my own. I loved them, and I let that fall apart. Even a long-distance friendship with them would have been better than what I left myself with. Sure I had great friends back home that I could count on and were patient with everything else going on with my life... but it was this one person's love and friendship that meant everything to me. I am truly sorry for everything I have said. I knew the Hazards of Love, and I let them take me down a terrible road.
At this point I'm just repeating myself over and over again, but it is something that needs to be said. Me from five years ago would never had said any of this. Hell, me from a year ago would never have said any of this. Don't make the same mistakes as me. Be open. Be honest. And for the love of God, if you love someone, you had better speak up before it becomes meaningless. Don't get mad when they try to improve their lives. Be that friend you always should be and support them with every ounce of your being, even if it pains you to see them move on from you. And don't keep yourself out of something that could be equally as important in love and life because you will only be hurting those who could truly care about you and doing a disservice to yourself for your present being and your future self.
Be true to yourself and to those you love. You never know what could happen.
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