Life

This isn't quite how I imagined life was going to be.

As life rushes forward ever closer to my 24th birthday, things just don't seem right to me. My friends are all moving on to their next great adventure; some friends have even seemingly forgotten my existence. The invites have stopped coming, the connections I had hoped would be there have all but burned away... disintegrating into thin air.  There's only a few that can truly say that they are my friend now, but they drift in and out, going about their own lives... growing up, just as we all do. I try to keep up, but it isn't as easy as you would hope. Schedules conflicting, last minute cancellations, just plain forgetfulness, all apart of any normal friendship. Why does is seem more prevalent in my mind?

I'm employed (thankfully), but in a job that I despise more and more every day, in a city that increases my revulsion of human life the more I look at it; the more I see the people who inhabit it; the more I hear the nasty, dirty, disgusting things that they say. Co-workers don't help. They only help to enforce that of which I didn't want to know in the first place. The broken system that we try to make our living in, only to be screwed to kingdom come. Ridiculous hours, little pay, and for what? The satisfaction isn't there. Was it ever there in the first place?

I live in a house that I so desperately wish to leave but don't because I'm stuck waiting for something that I don't even know will actually happen anymore. Broken promises? Too big for the words they speak? At this point, who knows. My family tries to make things better... try to cheer me up, make things seem not as bad as I feel they are. It drives me insane.  My oasis is violated; my personal space that is open to every one and every thing. The revolving door that doesn't stop moving. When will it ever stop?

I don't have that one person I can go to anymore to seek comfort from everything that seems to be crashing down. Someone to sit there with, to keep each other company. To fight and make up with. To have and to hold. To ignore and forgive. To forget everything going on around you and focus on that one thing that makes you more uplifted than anything else. Not like I have the time to look for those things anyway. Or the patience. Or the confidence. I'm my own worst enemy. Any relationship that was there before is long gone; those bridges have been burned to keep myself sane. Obsession's got me beat. I tell myself I won't try because who know when I'll move on to my next adventure. Am I just scared? In denial? Hoping that the experiences that I've dealt with, created, destroyed, will cease if I don't try? I don't try. Now you know why.

My mind drifts. Memories stir. Depression sets in. Life goes on.